Friday, January 25, 2013

Our Story Part IV - December continues

... When I was at my internship at CSCL the following day, I felt the gentle nudging of God to go down to Bren's office. (It is down the hall=/ ) I responded, "But I told him I would take a few days to think about things..."
Nudge Nudge
I began to slowly walk down the hallway and mustered up all the courage I had to knock on the door, which immediately flew open (as if he was waiting for me - this part of the story will be in Bren's version).
"hello" ::I am looking down and NOT in his eyeballs::
"how's it going"
Then he looked at me with such sincerity as he said, " You are so beautiful."
A flood of heat went from my head to my toe as I responded in a deflecting tone, "Thanks, well God made me"
"But it is true."
"Well, thanks..."
Insert awkward spray and I left shortly.
My complaint (the night before) to God had been that Bren did not think I was beautiful... And Bren responded the following day. Pretty interesting, pretty interesting...
Ice Skating in Uptown Charlotte
A few days later Bren and  I went ice skating with friends and after I dropped him off I was quite frustrated. I had been embarrassed the whole evening because he was being so kind to me. He bought me water, gave me skating tips, made sure I was alright, walked beside me ... and I didn't feel any happy giggly bubbly emotions towards him whatsoever. I said to God, " I don't think it is fair to Bren or to me that you would lead me to date someone and not give me any feelings to go with it."
I received a thought to turn on the radio... and what song is playing? A song that has NEVER made sense to me before but explained my current situation perfectly!
He's Everything you Want by Vertical Horizon... I'm posting the lyrics that were relevant to me...

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why 

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say 
But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for 
Wow! I was amazed and decided to trust that God knew what he was doing=)

A few days later I was at a Home Group reunion when I ever so triumphantly mentioned to the leaders that I had been on my first date! Ha! How 'bout them apples? ;)
The Husband asked with who and I told him, not ever thinking that he would know who he was... To which C.A. said, " Bren Eifler?! You are going to have a ring on your finger in 3 months. He will be faithful to you and treasure you and ..." - he proceed to list kind things a fella might do for a gal as I began to yell stop it! stop it! stop it! and burst into tears.
C.A. hugged me while chuckling. Issues, man, issues.
I relayed this HG Reunion experience to J.G. and he said, "Why did you react like that?"
"I don't know"
Then privately asked the hard question, "Why did I react like that?"
fear of being loved
Oh... Hhhhmmmm and It started bringing me a lot of clarity as I looked back on the past few years. Why I felt so numb, so unloved... because I was not allowing people to love me truly, not allowing God to love me. It was a form of self-protection or self-preservation and in that moment I has a choice to make...
Was I willing to get rid of this fear?

Read Part 5
Read Part I