Read Part 1So we are an "established" couple at this point.. The lessons included in this section of our story have a lot to do with idealism...
According to the Webster Dictionary idealism is the attitude of a person who believes that it is possible to live according to very high standards of behavior and honesty
There is great nobility in this as it would seem. I am going to tweak the definition a little to say that idealism is having an ideal picture and wanting the surrounding people and things to fit to that picture.
Which usually creates disappointment...
Now that was a set up for something isn't it. Now for the vulnerability part of the program. =)
My beloved, Bren, has never (aside from his beautiful Mother) kissed anyone else but me. Wow!
In the beginning of January of 2009 we were having a "discussion" (keep in mind that our relationship was quite emotionally accelerated than others may have experienced) until wee hours of the morning around the fact that he had never kissed anyone, and thus had a perspective that whoever God was going to put him with would be in that same boat.
Much to his dismay, I was not in that boat. By the grace of God I had never gone "all the way", but I had kissed more than one a young man, even though I never had an official "boyfriend". Dismay was definitely present.
My beloved has a shock to his system and the result was fear. He exercised self-control his entire life leading to this point of age 26, while I had not. I had repented (confessed to God and turned from these things) and because of the blood of Jesus (so thankful) I was clean. I was pure, holy in God's sight, because of His Son. Wow, having a moment here. So grateful my Beloved and Gracious Father, truly. To have the clearing of conscious that I have experienced is one of the greatest miracles I am so excited about.
I am also thankful that my beloved, Bren, with God's grace did stay physically pure as well. I am grateful as is he.
Fear... False Evidence Appearing Real... As a result of this fear my dear, dear beloved gave me some rules... No leaning on him, no hugging friends that are guys, etc... I said, " I feel like you are saying prove to me that you are pure." To which he said, " No, I am just asking you to do this for me for a little while."
No fun. No fun at all.
I left very late/early found my roommate D.B. and prayed then and got up in a couple hours to drive to the MStar Church in Winston-Salem. Quite tired and picturing myself as a bird in a cage. "Is this what you have called me to Lord?"
One thing I enjoy now about MStar, but took some getting used to is that they emphasize writing new songs and sing them at Church. So the songs I was used to singing during services from my Baptist/Presbyterian/Community/Methodist Background are usually not heard. (I truly enjoy this now, if I want to hear those songs I worship with youtube...=) I say this because that day D.O. sang an old song that I learned at the Presbyterian Church. "Lord prepare me, to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true... with Thanksgiving, I'll be a living, sanctuary for you."
Wow! Thanks Abba! Would you please let Bren know that I am pure and holy with You????!!!!
I drove back down and went to our home group. I sat on the couch and Bren sat next to me... leg touching leg... I gave him a face that you don't want to see and moved away... He moved closer... I looked at him mad/confused and moved away. He said, "Can we talk?" I said, "Sure! (annoyed)
As soon as we got outside:
"I am so sorry" - Bren
"What for?" - me
"God showed me, you are pure and holy, I reacted from fear, and I am so sorry."
"What about the leaning?"
"I like leaning"
Wow, my beloved is so humble and wonderful. Within 24 hours God fixed it, I gave it to Him and Bren sought the Lord about the matter. And He answered. Bren is so very teachable and God is so very good.
It is really hard when we have a picture in our head of what something is going to be like... And then it doesn't turn out that way. I have seen a lot of bad fruit in my own life when I have had an "ideal" picture in my head that did not come from the Lord. Bren, gratefully, gave up his picture and got God's perspective that even though I had not remained physically pure in his sight, the blood of Jesus has washed me clean and made me new.
And Bren and I move on to the next chapter of praying together, getting to know each other and learning to love unconditionally...