Sunday, December 1, 2013

Our Story Part 6 - Du dun duuuuuun to =)

Read Part 1
So we are an "established" couple at this point.. The lessons included in this section of our story have a lot to do with idealism...

According to the Webster Dictionary idealism is the attitude of a person who believes that it is possible to live according to very high standards of behavior and honesty

There is great nobility in this as it would seem. I am going to tweak the definition a little to say that idealism is having an ideal picture and wanting the surrounding people and things to fit to that picture.
Which usually creates disappointment...

Now that was a set up for something isn't it. Now for the vulnerability part of the program. =)
My beloved, Bren, has never (aside from his beautiful Mother) kissed anyone else but me. Wow!
In the beginning of January of 2009 we were having a "discussion" (keep in mind that our relationship was quite emotionally accelerated than others may have experienced) until wee hours of the morning around the fact that he had never kissed anyone, and thus had a perspective that whoever God was going to put him with would be in that same boat.
Much to his dismay, I was not in that boat. By the grace of God I had never gone "all the way", but I had kissed more than one a young man, even though I never had an official "boyfriend". Dismay was definitely present.
My beloved has a shock to his system and the result was fear. He exercised self-control his entire life leading to this point of age 26, while I had not. I had repented (confessed to God and turned from these things) and because of the blood of Jesus (so thankful) I was clean. I was pure, holy in God's sight, because of His Son. Wow, having a moment here. So grateful my Beloved and Gracious Father, truly. To have the clearing of conscious that I have experienced is one of the greatest miracles I am so excited about.
I am also thankful that my beloved, Bren, with God's grace did stay physically pure as well. I am grateful as is he.
Fear... False Evidence Appearing Real... As a result of this fear my dear, dear beloved gave me some rules... No leaning on him, no hugging friends that are guys, etc... I said, " I feel like you are saying prove to me that you are pure." To which he said, " No, I am just asking you to do this for me for a little while."
No fun. No fun at all.
I left very late/early found my roommate D.B. and prayed then and got up in a couple hours to drive to the MStar Church in Winston-Salem. Quite tired and picturing myself as a bird in a cage. "Is this what you have called me to Lord?"

One thing I enjoy now about MStar, but took some getting used to is that they emphasize writing new songs and sing them at Church. So the songs I was used to singing during services from my Baptist/Presbyterian/Community/Methodist Background are usually not heard. (I truly enjoy this now, if I want to hear those songs I worship with youtube...=) I say this because that day D.O. sang an old song that I learned at the Presbyterian Church. "Lord prepare me, to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true... with Thanksgiving, I'll be a living, sanctuary for you."
Wow! Thanks Abba! Would you please let Bren know that I am pure and holy with You????!!!!

I drove back down and went to our home group. I sat on the couch and Bren sat next to me... leg touching leg... I gave him a face that you don't want to see and moved away... He moved closer... I looked at him mad/confused and moved away. He said, "Can we talk?" I said, "Sure! (annoyed)
As soon as we got outside:
"I am so sorry" - Bren
"What for?" - me
"God showed me, you are pure and holy, I reacted from fear, and I am so sorry."
"What about the leaning?"
"I like leaning"
"??????????" ...

Wow, my beloved is so humble and wonderful. Within 24 hours God fixed it, I gave it to Him and Bren sought the Lord about the matter. And He answered. Bren is so very teachable and God is so very good.

It is really hard when we have a picture in our head of what something is going to be like... And then it doesn't turn out that way. I have seen a lot of bad fruit in my own life when I have had an "ideal" picture in my head that did not come from the Lord. Bren, gratefully, gave up his picture and got God's perspective that even though I had not remained physically pure in his sight, the blood of Jesus has washed me clean and made me new.

And Bren and I move on to the next chapter of praying together, getting to know each other and learning to love unconditionally...

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Our Story Part 5 - Christmas

Yes, I would like to live free from fear.
"Perfect love casts out fear." If I want to walk in the perfect love of God, I cannot walk in fear. Fear of man, fear of failure, fear of death, fear of being loved... So I repented something like this.

God, I am so sorry for yielding to the fear of being loved, for agreeing with fear. I ask for Your forgiveness and I claim remission of sin. Thank You for sending anything away that came from my agreement in Jesus' name.

Within the next couple days I started to love Bren from my heart. He looked more attractive to me and I wanted to be with him and around him more and more. And my knowing that he was going to be my husband after the first date became a joy, instead of something to cry in despair about.

Then I decided to ask Bren to come home with me for Christmas;) (Thus meeting my wonderful familia).
He said yes and we drove down with my friend Z.I. who we dropped off in Orlando. Bren and I started holding hands on the way down and when we hit Lakeland, where I was planning to drop by and see my Daddy I asked Bren... "So, how should I introduce you to my family?" At this point there was no established relationship "status".
He responded that he didn't like labels. So, I pulled my hand back over to my side and essentially I said this is my friend Bren... Hmmph;)
At my Uncle's for Christmas.
My family received him warmly with winks and such. But that's ok... Bren was concerned that there would be pressure towards marriage if "boyfriend" was used. We had a good Christmas and my family was very loving. Bren was a little on the nervous side and kinda quiet, but that is understandable. It can be hard to be ourselves when you know you are being "observed".;) Until we are fully free in the Lord=) At this point I was trying really hard to allow Bren to be the pursuer and to be pursued. Meaning I don't take the lead. This can be difficult for me, anyone who has taking Ballroom with me knows that I prefer to lead and teach. But it is so important, especially with the Lord, to learn to be a good follower as well. A good leader can follow.
Christmas Eve at Mom and Dad's
When we returned to SC we hung out some more with people and had good conversations and such, and on Dec. 29th he had been initiating the "holding of hands" more so I finally asked, "So am I your girlfriend?" He said, " I certainly hope so."
"Well, you were supposed to ask me..."
"Oh, I didn't know. Will you be my girlfriend?"
"Yes, I will." ::Smile smile::
Now,  you may consider this leading... but he asked the question;) Lol.

But pretty soon, the most intense conversation I had had to that point in my life occurred, and it has some great life lessons...

Part 6

Friday, January 25, 2013

Our Story Part IV - December continues

... When I was at my internship at CSCL the following day, I felt the gentle nudging of God to go down to Bren's office. (It is down the hall=/ ) I responded, "But I told him I would take a few days to think about things..."
Nudge Nudge
I began to slowly walk down the hallway and mustered up all the courage I had to knock on the door, which immediately flew open (as if he was waiting for me - this part of the story will be in Bren's version).
"hello" ::I am looking down and NOT in his eyeballs::
"how's it going"
Then he looked at me with such sincerity as he said, " You are so beautiful."
A flood of heat went from my head to my toe as I responded in a deflecting tone, "Thanks, well God made me"
"But it is true."
"Well, thanks..."
Insert awkward spray and I left shortly.
My complaint (the night before) to God had been that Bren did not think I was beautiful... And Bren responded the following day. Pretty interesting, pretty interesting...
Ice Skating in Uptown Charlotte
A few days later Bren and  I went ice skating with friends and after I dropped him off I was quite frustrated. I had been embarrassed the whole evening because he was being so kind to me. He bought me water, gave me skating tips, made sure I was alright, walked beside me ... and I didn't feel any happy giggly bubbly emotions towards him whatsoever. I said to God, " I don't think it is fair to Bren or to me that you would lead me to date someone and not give me any feelings to go with it."
I received a thought to turn on the radio... and what song is playing? A song that has NEVER made sense to me before but explained my current situation perfectly!
He's Everything you Want by Vertical Horizon... I'm posting the lyrics that were relevant to me...

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why 

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say 
But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for 
Wow! I was amazed and decided to trust that God knew what he was doing=)

A few days later I was at a Home Group reunion when I ever so triumphantly mentioned to the leaders that I had been on my first date! Ha! How 'bout them apples? ;)
The Husband asked with who and I told him, not ever thinking that he would know who he was... To which C.A. said, " Bren Eifler?! You are going to have a ring on your finger in 3 months. He will be faithful to you and treasure you and ..." - he proceed to list kind things a fella might do for a gal as I began to yell stop it! stop it! stop it! and burst into tears.
C.A. hugged me while chuckling. Issues, man, issues.
I relayed this HG Reunion experience to J.G. and he said, "Why did you react like that?"
"I don't know"
Then privately asked the hard question, "Why did I react like that?"
fear of being loved
Oh... Hhhhmmmm and It started bringing me a lot of clarity as I looked back on the past few years. Why I felt so numb, so unloved... because I was not allowing people to love me truly, not allowing God to love me. It was a form of self-protection or self-preservation and in that moment I has a choice to make...
Was I willing to get rid of this fear?

Read Part 5
Read Part I