Gettin' Ready

Well, after the very strange hail storm a couple days ago I am really motivated to be prepared to leave in disaster or stay in disaster. Before I continue let me say, whatever we do (preparedness-wise) we do by faith, not fear. My faith is not in the stuff, but in Yahweh Jireh - the Lord our Provider... the one who made me and takes care of the sparrows. I was not given a spirit of fear, but power love and a sound mind.
So when struggling with fear, let us go further into God's love and who Jesus is, who Holy Spirit is. Today I was reading in Matthew about Jesus healing ALL the sick who came to Him. The compassion that He walked with. I tell you, friends, the more time we spend with Jesus the more perfect love casts out fear.
Brad McClendon spoke at Church Sunday a REALLY good message. Today is the last free day to watch it on http://morningstartv.com if you are interested. He starts about an hour into the service. He was talking about how he used to read the bible to get something, an answer, or such... But he asked the Lord to deliver him so that he can read the Bible to be with Jesus and find out who He is. I love that. Let's get to know Jesus.
My friend was given the task of reading Leviticus and Deuteronomy while at IHOP in Kansas City and seeing how each rule represented the love of God! She saw amazing things in the scripture she never noticed before.
Anyways... ha ha, the tangents... So my point is, when preparing, which is wisdom- unless God has specifically told you not to prepare, let us do so in faith and love, not fear. Hurray! Exciting times ahead.

I am making a list of what I would need to go and stay and getting it together. I already have a nice backpack I used for hiking that I will turn into our "go" bag.
I am using the options from http://www.zebgear.com/catalog/zeb-gear-products/be-prepared-to-leave-gear/zeb-gear-go-bags/build-your-own-go-bag to help design what I need.

I'm also going to get food grade 55 gallon barrels. There is a guy on craigslist.org (in the Charlotte, NC area) selling them for $22 a piece if you buy 3 or more. That is cheaper than anything else I have found online. To store things in, and rain.

We have also started a garden on our porch. =)
Bren found a video on how to make a rocket oven from adobe bricks How to Make Your Own Rocket Stove...
Although, I really like the idea of a solar oven. This is a how to make video also. Solar Oven from cardboard and AL

Spending time listening to the LORD would be very good, b/c only He knows what you need=)Aw, for shalom=)
Shalom to you!

Our Story Part III -first date and the Christmas Party

...but, I convinced myself to start walking down the stairs. I smiled cheerfully, hoping he didn't feel my mixed feelings, and gave him a hug. We got in my car and headed to Best China.
The 2 things I noted from this date, my first official date of my life (excluding school dances), was that Bren ministered to the waiter before I did, and he prayed that the Lord would give me the desires of my heart. Of course I was thinking, and you think that's you buddy boy, don't you...=)
We came home and I flipped out and emotionally told my roommates I knew who my husband was and I cried from distress. It doesn't really make a lot of sense friends, but that is the thing about fear, it usually isn't in line with reason.
We continued hanging out weekly, but didn't have anymore official dates the next couple weeks. Then the Morningstar Staff Christmas Party rolls around. Bren had recently become staff for this ministry but I was hoping he was not going to be there since he wasn't terribly social. I asked a friend of mine to take me as his "date" so I could go and dance. I love to dance. =) And he said sure, and picked me and my roommate D.B. up to go.
We arrive and behold, Bren is there. He comes over to me smiling and excited saying, "I didn't know you were staff."
I said, "Oh, I'm not, I just came as [so - in so]'s date" - I said "date" as I physically made the quotations signal... That didn't seem to help. I could' ve just punched him in the gut and it would have been better. Oh, his face showed such hurt=(
Now, dear reader, keep in mind that I knew it was the wrong thing to do to ask my friend to take me. Inherently I do not think it is wrong to take friends out as a date, but I knew when I asked my friend it was not the right thing to do...

Bren went back to his seat and I went to mine. I confided in a leader at my table and his wife and told them I did a bad thing and he told me to calm down and it wasn't that big a deal.
I glanced back to see Bren... he was gone.
Oh, no... I tried to push it out of my head, said a little prayer for him and "participated" in the games.
About 30 minutes later I got a tap on my shoulder, it was him! I smiled, as if everything was right as rain (Oh drama person that I am), hello=)
"Could we talk outside for a minute?" -Bren
I agreed and went outside.
He then asked me if I disliked him, but using a much stronger word.
I felt so bad, "No, no, I don't dislike you. It's just that my whole life if a man liked me or pursued me I would run, or avoid, or push away until they changed their mind. It isn't as much you as it is you being a man that likes me that is the problem..."
We were out there for probably another hour and a half and essentially he told me he loved me. Yes, dear friends, he said, "I love you"! After being on 1 date with me! But I had a peace inside of me, Holy Spirit telling me everything was going to be alright during the whole thing. Bren said he hadn't changed his mind about pursuing me, I told him I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to him, but did NOT have the feelings to go with it. He said that was fine...!?
I went back inside and he went home. I went to my guy friend and D.B. crying because I had hurt Bren, and he said it would be fine. We went home and I kept crying because I wanted to face my fears, but it was so hard. I went inside with D.B. and cried some more because I knew who my husband was.
As I was going to sleep I complained to the Lord: he is just doing this because You told him to! He doesn't even think I'm pretty or beautiful, he didn't say a word about it on our first date...! Read Part IV
Read Part I

Our Story Part II

So, back in SC Bren would come to my mind on occasion, and I would simply ask," Father, minister to his needs." And think no more...
I saw glances of him about 3 times, once at N.D.'s home-group (church in someone's home) and twice at church and I would just place my hand on his head as I walked by (he was praying, pretty much every time I saw him, sitting on the floor).
Now it is 11/11/2008 and I was heating up my lunch, on break from MSM, I turned from the microwave in the Cafe and saw Bren over where they sell tickets at Conferences (about 55 ft away). I exclaimed, "Bren" and ran across the cafe to give him a good ole-fashioned Grandy (my grandpa) bear hug. When I pulled back he looked quite stunned and giddy... I said, " Are you feeling the love of the Lord?"
He kinda laughed and nodded in a goofy way. I said, " Well, more Lord, you want some food?" I had leftovers available, and Bren took a few minutes to recover (by the way, when I hugged him he felt a powerful warm love, that filled him joy and it immobilized and vibrated him like an electrical current from head to toe- he has "a hard time describing these wonderful things").=)
----By the way, God has told Bren in the middle of October that he would know for sure who his wife would be on 11/11 and that she would come to him. ---
We discussed how we hadn't seen a mutual friend J.Y. in a while and I said we should all get together sometime. Bren called a day or 2 later and I asked if he wanted to come over for dinner b/c J.Y. was going to come over. While on the phone my flat mate G.M. says, "And tell him that Tuesday is now an official day to bring chocolate over. I relayed this to Bren, who laughed, and I said, "She's just kidding." At the same time Bren says, "No she's not." As G.M. says, "No I'm not." And he told me that the Lord had told him to bring chocolate over already. I thought that was great, I love to see how God speaks to people.
So Bren comes over with a bag of kisses and hands them to me. I passed them off to G.M., thinking they are for her and eat one. Bren asks if he can have 1, so I threw him 2 kisses and he saved the wrappers=) (Unknown to me, of course, I am quite clueless of him having any interest in me at all!)
---By the way, God told Bren in the end of October while at Bloom(grocery store) to buy a bag of candy. He knew this meant he would see his sweet soon. He had been fasting sweets for a long time for his sweet=)
So when Bren ate the 2 kisses I threw him, it was his first candy in a long time=)
We had a nice dinner and I sang a blessing over him and J.Y. before they left and very soon I got another phone call from Bren, and then another=)
We start hanging out at the Shalom home (I lived with 7 other MSU girls in a lovely home in Regent Park). One day he in November he was showing me pictures from his Summer of Love tour (He was at the Call on 07/07/2007 - as was I=) And he asked me if Morningstar had a dating policy. (Some Christian schools do have one) I told him not really, and they even kinda encouraged dating. 
After someone came in and interrupted our conversation and left again, he leaned over and said that he had no agenda in asking this question. To which I replied, "Oh, ok."
---By the way, when Bren left this evening he wasn't happy with himself and prayed, "God I messed up, can you fix it?" And God said he could;)---

Last single woman Thanksgiving!

Shortly after I went home for Thanksgiving telling my family about the interesting fellow I had been hanging out with. Now do realize that to me, this wasn't necessarily a red flag that he liked me. Other fellas had asked me similar questions(to the dating policy) that in the end were intended for asking out a friend of mine, or simple curiosity. So I did wonder if he liked me, but I didn't know for sure...


I got on skype to chat once or twice while home, but didn't really think about it too much;)

I came back to Morningstar Saturday night and felt Holy Spirit impressing me to call Bren. And I said in my head, "No, I don't want to call him, he might like me." I tried to set up my webcam and failed. Bren is quite the computer savvy person, so I finally called. He answered immediately and said, "I was just about to call you." I thought that was odd, and then he asked if I remembered the conversation concerning the dating policy where he said he had no agenda. I said, "Yes, you said that." And he asked how I perceived that. I said, "Well, I figured you wanted to know Morningstar's dating policy, but had no intentions on pursuing me or asking me out." 
Bren: "Well, I lied and I'm sorry. That's not true."
AJ: "So, are you saying that you did have an agenda and are pursuing me?"
Bren: "Yes."
AJ: "Oh..."
Somehow we ended the conversation. I remained quite calm during the conversation, but as soon as I got off the phone I panicked. Fears started leaping out from within. Fears having to do with commitment, male relationship, intimacy, fear of man, fear of my future and a few more... Ha ha... 
So not wasting any time, the next day after Church Bren saw me in the lobby and asked me if I liked Best China (a restaurant in Regent Park). I said I did and he asked if we could go there that night around 6pm. I said yes and we went our separate ways.
Again, I was quite calm while he was talking to me, but when I went home I panicked again and I wanted to wear a T-Shirt and Jeans with my hair in a pony tail and NO make-up. I did not want to give any impression that I even tried at ALL for this date. (Lots of fears people, lots of fears- oh the evilness) 

But seeing as how this was my first date (besides school dances) in my life, my roommates would have NONE of that. J.H. and D. B. picked out my outfit and did make-up with R. M. and they CURLED MY HAIR!!! I was thinking, sheesh! This is quite an ordeal. Then the time came when the doorbell rang. J.H. and G.M. answered the door excitedly, while I remained upstairs clutching the banister. I did NOT want to go downstairs. Fear was very real and apparent in my body, it was decision time... I had been so afraid of being in a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship my whole life that I had managed to push STRONGLY away anyone that made any commitment type comments of wanting to be with. When they got over it we could be friends. But there is a prayerful man downstairs waiting for me and I feel stuck in fear...Read Part III

Read Part I

Fear of Rejection and manipulation

Yes, my friends I want freedom to come so much in the hearts of myself and all I love! I want to talk about freedom. For it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. I lived a LOT of my life with rejection and fear of rejection. And I found in my life, that these things are coupled with manipulation and control...
For example: With my friends in middle school and high school I would make a suggestion in such a way to make them feel bad (guilty) if they did not comply with what I wanted. I'm not necessarily talking about "bad" things.
Me: Hey you want to come over Friday?
Friend: Uh, I'm not sure, I told so and so I would come over this weekend and I don't know if my parents would let me do both.
Me: Aw, come on, we would have a lot of fun. (manipulation, my friends, we can call it like it is) Don't you want to spend time with me?
[what is the fruit of this question for the "friend"? think about it]
Friend: Of course I do, but I already told so and so that I would hang out with them.
Me: Well, that's ok, I will just ask _______ to come over...
Hurting people, hurt people.
The examples could go on and on... The reality is I did this sort of stuff on a DAILY basis, yuck, Lord deliver us from ALL fear, refection, manipulation, and control.
When I was afraid of being rejected I would say things to get people to feel bad if they didn't do what I wanted. That is manipulation! The other thing I want to shine some light on is the deception that manipulation is loving. It is NOT. What is so marvelous about God is that HE gives us free choice. He loves our worship that is given freely.
2 Cor 5:14-15 For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.
If we are living for Christ, then if people reject us it won't wound our hearts. We can be free, friends. Tell rejection NO!!!! IF I am living for Christ and not myself if someone spits in my face and calls me a bad name, I can look at them through God's lens and see the brokenness and feel only compassion in my heart for them by the power of His Love! That's where I want to be. God help us get there!  How do we get there? Seek God, and find out who you are... that's who He has created you to be=)

According to the Collins English dictionary manipulation is: to negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skilfully, or deviously 

So our first step into freedom from these things is to be aware of them in your life. I was not aware that my coercing people to come to my bible study in college was bad. Honestly! I was praised for my ability to get people to do things!!! I did not know it was wrong. It wasn't until my last year of college that I was convicted that what I was doing was manipulation and that it was wrong. (I was in a deliverance class). So I repented, I confessed this to God as a sin and asked Him to heal my heart and cleanse me. Part of the root of why I did it was fear of rejection, I repented for that too. Another part of it was not trusting God. What do I mean?
I was manipulating people to come to Bible Study, because I didn't trust God to lead them there... Whoo buddy! Can you feel the freedom coming?? I recommend a proclamation here, "I trust You God, please show me, Father, what You are doing so I can join You in Your work." The reality is if God is calling you or me to lead a bible study and 1 person comes... AMEN!!!! If 20 people come... AMEN!!!! God's concern isn't numbers, Beloved, it's hearts. Are we trusting Him to do His part. He leads us, and guides us into all truth. Those impressions you get in your heart, those leadings, He talks to you, Beloved.

So now I have repented (and I just repented today for this too 6 years later), asked for cleansing, and I am on the lookout for these nasty things. Wow, they were everywhere!!!! Yucky manipulation came out of my mouth every day, I had to keep repenting and turning to God for mercy... But you know what, I started proclaiming that I was accepted and loved by God, so when I perceived I was being rejected, I took that thought captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ! By golly things began to change, and those pesky thoughts of rejection stopped coming around so heavily. Whoo hoo!

Romans 15: 7- Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.

His acceptance is worth more than anyone else's, and Beloved, you have it, the glory of God=)

Rejoice that your name is written in the book of life (if it is written there, you need Jesus to have it).

So, be free, and let others be free to make choices of their own free will, no "strings" or guilt attached. 

I pray as you read this that Holy Spirit will bring more revelation in Jesus' wonderful name. 

AJ

P.S. We are all moved and stuff!!! Hurray and thank you to all the helpers, I'll post pictures once we have the house in order, ha ha=)