Our Story Part II

So, back in SC Bren would come to my mind on occasion, and I would simply ask," Father, minister to his needs." And think no more...
I saw glances of him about 3 times, once at N.D.'s home-group (church in someone's home) and twice at church and I would just place my hand on his head as I walked by (he was praying, pretty much every time I saw him, sitting on the floor).
Now it is 11/11/2008 and I was heating up my lunch, on break from MSM, I turned from the microwave in the Cafe and saw Bren over where they sell tickets at Conferences (about 55 ft away). I exclaimed, "Bren" and ran across the cafe to give him a good ole-fashioned Grandy (my grandpa) bear hug. When I pulled back he looked quite stunned and giddy... I said, " Are you feeling the love of the Lord?"
He kinda laughed and nodded in a goofy way. I said, " Well, more Lord, you want some food?" I had leftovers available, and Bren took a few minutes to recover (by the way, when I hugged him he felt a powerful warm love, that filled him joy and it immobilized and vibrated him like an electrical current from head to toe- he has "a hard time describing these wonderful things").=)
----By the way, God has told Bren in the middle of October that he would know for sure who his wife would be on 11/11 and that she would come to him. ---
We discussed how we hadn't seen a mutual friend J.Y. in a while and I said we should all get together sometime. Bren called a day or 2 later and I asked if he wanted to come over for dinner b/c J.Y. was going to come over. While on the phone my flat mate G.M. says, "And tell him that Tuesday is now an official day to bring chocolate over. I relayed this to Bren, who laughed, and I said, "She's just kidding." At the same time Bren says, "No she's not." As G.M. says, "No I'm not." And he told me that the Lord had told him to bring chocolate over already. I thought that was great, I love to see how God speaks to people.
So Bren comes over with a bag of kisses and hands them to me. I passed them off to G.M., thinking they are for her and eat one. Bren asks if he can have 1, so I threw him 2 kisses and he saved the wrappers=) (Unknown to me, of course, I am quite clueless of him having any interest in me at all!)
---By the way, God told Bren in the end of October while at Bloom(grocery store) to buy a bag of candy. He knew this meant he would see his sweet soon. He had been fasting sweets for a long time for his sweet=)
So when Bren ate the 2 kisses I threw him, it was his first candy in a long time=)
We had a nice dinner and I sang a blessing over him and J.Y. before they left and very soon I got another phone call from Bren, and then another=)
We start hanging out at the Shalom home (I lived with 7 other MSU girls in a lovely home in Regent Park). One day he in November he was showing me pictures from his Summer of Love tour (He was at the Call on 07/07/2007 - as was I=) And he asked me if Morningstar had a dating policy. (Some Christian schools do have one) I told him not really, and they even kinda encouraged dating. 
After someone came in and interrupted our conversation and left again, he leaned over and said that he had no agenda in asking this question. To which I replied, "Oh, ok."
---By the way, when Bren left this evening he wasn't happy with himself and prayed, "God I messed up, can you fix it?" And God said he could;)---

Last single woman Thanksgiving!

Shortly after I went home for Thanksgiving telling my family about the interesting fellow I had been hanging out with. Now do realize that to me, this wasn't necessarily a red flag that he liked me. Other fellas had asked me similar questions(to the dating policy) that in the end were intended for asking out a friend of mine, or simple curiosity. So I did wonder if he liked me, but I didn't know for sure...


I got on skype to chat once or twice while home, but didn't really think about it too much;)

I came back to Morningstar Saturday night and felt Holy Spirit impressing me to call Bren. And I said in my head, "No, I don't want to call him, he might like me." I tried to set up my webcam and failed. Bren is quite the computer savvy person, so I finally called. He answered immediately and said, "I was just about to call you." I thought that was odd, and then he asked if I remembered the conversation concerning the dating policy where he said he had no agenda. I said, "Yes, you said that." And he asked how I perceived that. I said, "Well, I figured you wanted to know Morningstar's dating policy, but had no intentions on pursuing me or asking me out." 
Bren: "Well, I lied and I'm sorry. That's not true."
AJ: "So, are you saying that you did have an agenda and are pursuing me?"
Bren: "Yes."
AJ: "Oh..."
Somehow we ended the conversation. I remained quite calm during the conversation, but as soon as I got off the phone I panicked. Fears started leaping out from within. Fears having to do with commitment, male relationship, intimacy, fear of man, fear of my future and a few more... Ha ha... 
So not wasting any time, the next day after Church Bren saw me in the lobby and asked me if I liked Best China (a restaurant in Regent Park). I said I did and he asked if we could go there that night around 6pm. I said yes and we went our separate ways.
Again, I was quite calm while he was talking to me, but when I went home I panicked again and I wanted to wear a T-Shirt and Jeans with my hair in a pony tail and NO make-up. I did not want to give any impression that I even tried at ALL for this date. (Lots of fears people, lots of fears- oh the evilness) 

But seeing as how this was my first date (besides school dances) in my life, my roommates would have NONE of that. J.H. and D. B. picked out my outfit and did make-up with R. M. and they CURLED MY HAIR!!! I was thinking, sheesh! This is quite an ordeal. Then the time came when the doorbell rang. J.H. and G.M. answered the door excitedly, while I remained upstairs clutching the banister. I did NOT want to go downstairs. Fear was very real and apparent in my body, it was decision time... I had been so afraid of being in a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship my whole life that I had managed to push STRONGLY away anyone that made any commitment type comments of wanting to be with. When they got over it we could be friends. But there is a prayerful man downstairs waiting for me and I feel stuck in fear...Read Part III

Read Part I

Our Story Part I

This is the journey of how I came to be with my loving husband named Bren=)
Like many good stories this one starts with a prophecy.

It was during spring break of my first year(March 2008) at MSM( Morningstar School of Ministry) that I was walking along the beach with my sweet Momma. She says, "I think you are going to meet your husband in the next 6 months, he is going to have a good sense of humor, and be unlike anyone you have ever met. Is that a prophetic word, if it just comes to you like that?"
I said, "Maybe, Momma, we shall see."

I can't really say this was in the forefront of my thinking, I was quite busy at school, and I had already met some high caliber gentlemen at Morningstar, so I figured there was a possibility to meet the guy I have been waiting for=)

6 Months later!!!!!!
In August 2008 met this new first year student J.C. and thought he was pretty awesome! And he had a friend S.D. that wanted to go to the Call in Washington D.C. on 8/14or 16?/2008, so we decided to go up together with my friend L.K. Then my other friend J.Y. said he had a friend named Bren that wanted to go too, so I said,"Sure, that would be great." I was told he would be at MS the next day for Todd Bentley's 8/8/08 meeting, so J.Y. Gave me a brief description of his appearance so I could keep an eye out.

I was very excited on 8/8/08 because there were so many new people to meet (of of course lots of miracles-yea God)!!!! Whoo hoo! Needless to say I didn't see Bren all day(it was kind of like a festival with lots of people). But when it was over I went to talk to J.C. and walked with him to my car in the far back parking lot, and ours are the only 2 left. As we are chatting by the cars a young man walks out from the shadows of the trees. J.C. introduces him to me as Bren. I was super excited since he was going on the trip with us and I gave him a BIG hug and he says I held his face in my hands for a moment when he told me he was planning to be a MSU student(not a typo, the school changed names=). He thought, "Wow she is friendly". And when he got into the car he said to himself, "I want to marry her." And then thought- you don't even know her! And he shut down his heart from thinking those things.
I didn't have ANY sort of sense of indication at this point that this was the person I was going to marry.

We left a couple days later for Washington, DC: J.C., S.D., L.K., Bren and me. Bren was squished in the back between L.K. and me=) He he, ah, so funny. We had a fun time and I noted that Bren was a great listener and quite serious. (Now if you have ever been to a Call- they are quite serious events of prayer- to his credit) I just wasn't in that mode. We visited Alexandria, VA and I loved seeing the Church where George Washington worshiped, such a beautiful town.

What I noted about Bren during this period was his prayerfulness and seriousness. (Note: I am not the most serious person you have ever met...;) The funny thing is that when I met his middle brother W.E. at the Pre-Call. I had this immediate impression that he was my brother. I felt automatic comradeship... and he felt the same! (Thought it had to do with the Body of Christ deal, didn't realize he would actually be my brother=)

I also met Bren's mother (her name is the derivative of my mom's name=) for a NYMinute at the Call and didn't sense anything about her being my future Momma -in-law=) Bren went home with his family to New England and I went back to SC with JC, SD, and LK...

Side Note: Some of you at this point may have picked up and be wondering... if your Mom said he had a good sense of humor, then why is he so serious? - Well, you are just gonna have to wait;)

First pic of just Bren and I- both thinking, "I hope they don't think this means anything.";)

Read Part II

Fear of Rejection and manipulation

Yes, my friends I want freedom to come so much in the hearts of myself and all I love! I want to talk about freedom. For it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. I lived a LOT of my life with rejection and fear of rejection. And I found in my life, that these things are coupled with manipulation and control...
For example: With my friends in middle school and high school I would make a suggestion in such a way to make them feel bad (guilty) if they did not comply with what I wanted. I'm not necessarily talking about "bad" things.
Me: Hey you want to come over Friday?
Friend: Uh, I'm not sure, I told so and so I would come over this weekend and I don't know if my parents would let me do both.
Me: Aw, come on, we would have a lot of fun. (manipulation, my friends, we can call it like it is) Don't you want to spend time with me?
[what is the fruit of this question for the "friend"? think about it]
Friend: Of course I do, but I already told so and so that I would hang out with them.
Me: Well, that's ok, I will just ask _______ to come over...
Hurting people, hurt people.
The examples could go on and on... The reality is I did this sort of stuff on a DAILY basis, yuck, Lord deliver us from ALL fear, refection, manipulation, and control.
When I was afraid of being rejected I would say things to get people to feel bad if they didn't do what I wanted. That is manipulation! The other thing I want to shine some light on is the deception that manipulation is loving. It is NOT. What is so marvelous about God is that HE gives us free choice. He loves our worship that is given freely.
2 Cor 5:14-15 For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.
If we are living for Christ, then if people reject us it won't wound our hearts. We can be free, friends. Tell rejection NO!!!! IF I am living for Christ and not myself if someone spits in my face and calls me a bad name, I can look at them through God's lens and see the brokenness and feel only compassion in my heart for them by the power of His Love! That's where I want to be. God help us get there!  How do we get there? Seek God, and find out who you are... that's who He has created you to be=)

According to the Collins English dictionary manipulation is: to negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skilfully, or deviously 

So our first step into freedom from these things is to be aware of them in your life. I was not aware that my coercing people to come to my bible study in college was bad. Honestly! I was praised for my ability to get people to do things!!! I did not know it was wrong. It wasn't until my last year of college that I was convicted that what I was doing was manipulation and that it was wrong. (I was in a deliverance class). So I repented, I confessed this to God as a sin and asked Him to heal my heart and cleanse me. Part of the root of why I did it was fear of rejection, I repented for that too. Another part of it was not trusting God. What do I mean?
I was manipulating people to come to Bible Study, because I didn't trust God to lead them there... Whoo buddy! Can you feel the freedom coming?? I recommend a proclamation here, "I trust You God, please show me, Father, what You are doing so I can join You in Your work." The reality is if God is calling you or me to lead a bible study and 1 person comes... AMEN!!!! If 20 people come... AMEN!!!! God's concern isn't numbers, Beloved, it's hearts. Are we trusting Him to do His part. He leads us, and guides us into all truth. Those impressions you get in your heart, those leadings, He talks to you, Beloved.

So now I have repented (and I just repented today for this too 6 years later), asked for cleansing, and I am on the lookout for these nasty things. Wow, they were everywhere!!!! Yucky manipulation came out of my mouth every day, I had to keep repenting and turning to God for mercy... But you know what, I started proclaiming that I was accepted and loved by God, so when I perceived I was being rejected, I took that thought captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ! By golly things began to change, and those pesky thoughts of rejection stopped coming around so heavily. Whoo hoo!

Romans 15: 7- Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.

His acceptance is worth more than anyone else's, and Beloved, you have it, the glory of God=)

Rejoice that your name is written in the book of life (if it is written there, you need Jesus to have it).

So, be free, and let others be free to make choices of their own free will, no "strings" or guilt attached. 

I pray as you read this that Holy Spirit will bring more revelation in Jesus' wonderful name. 

AJ

P.S. We are all moved and stuff!!! Hurray and thank you to all the helpers, I'll post pictures once we have the house in order, ha ha=)

 

Personal Relationship with God?

Oftentimes I feel like I don't really know about His love. I truly want God's love flowing in me and through me, but I feel as if I don't have it fully in my heart.
In 1 John 4 it says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
To quote Foreigner, "I want to know what love is, I want You to show me. I want to feel what love is, I know You can show me." I started learning that on the guitar... God definitely shows me love in my life. My family still loves me (from afar, but they do) and my husband loves me, and I know the Source of Love is the One who is Love=) I am thankful for this.
Thank You Abba for showing me love, could we take it to the next level. Heal my heart so I can feel and receive Your love just You straight to me. You are good, and I want to believe that with all my heart.
doubt and unbelief go in Jesus' name!

I know believing is a spiritual thing. And reasoning and Holy Spirit aren't necessarily synonymous. I have seen so much and seen answers to many prayers, my goodness. Thank You Lord!!! For Real.

Little Testimony time for the reader: I was saved ( I dedicated my life to Jesus and asked Him to live inside of me) and baptized (fully dunked in water symbolizing the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus and professing my faith to the congregation) when I was 10 years old. I know (now) God accepted me into His family at this point, I just didn't feel any different. So I thought He didn't accept my offer if you will.
So even though I still attended church (different than I was baptized in) I never felt the reality of God, was tormented with depression, anger, doubt, and fear (among other things). I was told that there was a "personal relationship with Jesus Christ". Boy, did I want that! I just didn't seem to really see anyone talk about that relationship from a personal level. Yes, we sang songs in church, I was much too distracted on the actual songs to focus on God though. And I didn't know how to do that. I heard much talk about God, and some to God, but I never heard anybody talking about what the LORD told them. So from 11 yrs old to 14ish I was not in a good state mentally and depression was much more real to me than the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
I kind of gave up on the personal relationship because all my crying out to God in my times of mental torment didn't really seem to avail any answers from El Shaddai (name of God meaning God Almighty).
Then my precious friend Monique opened up her bible en la clase de español in high school. Now I know God sent her to me, but at the time I was really looking for a personal alone time answer from Him. Something was different about her. It was like she knew God was real, I mean for real. So she began leading a Bible study, she has an amazing gift of teaching, and I was inspired to actually start reading the Bible again. She did this for about 2 years of High School and really kept me seeking the LORD. I still didn't know how I could have a personal relationship with God where I could hear Him talking. Now, keep in mind I am expecting that how God speaks is this voice that sounds like a deep male voice inside my head clearly apart from anything else in my head.
So when I graduated from HS ( in Tampa, FL) I was still very insecure about the reality of God and having a relationship with Him. But only known to myself. Everyone else believed me a very stable and believing Christian. (In reality of God in Christ that was who I was, but I was also tormented by fear and doubt and unbelief still in the quiet times)... To be continued at some point...

Let love reign, not accusation.

I was a little sad earlier reading someone's response to the Final Quest written by Rick Joyner. Perhaps it is because I have the privilege to hear this man on a weekly basis present his heart for God, and helping equip the Church.

Father, please help to keep us from fault-finding and accusation.

What do you think it looks like to hear or read something that we don't agree with? What is the Godly response? Truly, I'm asking. I recognize the bible says in Matthew "Do not judge, lest ye be judged, for the measure you use, it shall be measured back to you." (If you really want where the refences are just reply and I'll Biblegateway.com them)
In this book it talks about seeing Christians beating each other with swords... How often do we in the Church do that? God help us! What was JEsus' response when the people brought the woman caught in adultery before him? He said, "You are without sin shall cast the first stone." They all left realizing there brokenness.

Father, help me not forget where I have come from to stand in true humility. Help me to see who I am in you so that I can keep going forward.

If I am judging someone in a sin, then I am likely to fall into it myself. This attitude infects the mind with pride. I know I have been deep in it.
What would it be like if we did Galatians 6:1 "Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.

Restoration is God's business and He is mighty good at it. He doesn't see you as you perceive yourself, but as He created you to be. He knows the end from the beginning, we are all in need of His restoration. Please church, let us stop siding with the accuser of the brethren and the One that speaks life to our dry bones. Like Rick Joyner says, "the bible doesn't say humble your neighbor." God asks us to humble ourselves.
Let love reign! If you are alive, there is hope for you!